XIX. THE UPSIDE OF BEING LONELY ALONE ..

          Nobody wants to be lonely.  It breaks your heart if for some reason you have to break ties with friends and relatives and seek peace in solitude. It happened to me about 20 years ago when some misunderstanding regarding the handling of family properties led me to detach myself from almost every people who were once close to me including my siblings. Someone in the family painted a bad picture of me and no amount of explanation would suffice for them to shift blame unless I go mud-slinging. Since nobody cared enough to ask question and instead resorted to cold shoulder treatment I thought it would be best for me to just keep my silence and just hope that someday that things would fall into their proper places and go back to normal.

          In those 20 years I rarely went to parties, weddings and even funerals hoping that I would soon be forgotten and start a new life. When my Nokia 3210 conked out 15 years ago I did not bought another one and I found my self more alone but not not unhappy as I should be. In those years I read all the books I could get my hands on, watched movies and documentaries everyday and in between stay tuned to AM radio for news and commentaries. After store hours, all my remaining time I devoted to my wife and my kids and I can't remember of any night when I found it hard to get my much needed rest. I lived inside a shell and my only contact with the outside world was when I get to talk with customers about my favorite topic - books and history.  Out of the misunderstandings that sent me to reclusive way of life I came to know myself more and what life is really all about.

         I've had a wonderful life. My pre-school years with my grandparents were worth pondering about. My elementary days at Cecilio Apostol Elementary School was also memorable for its where I really discovered the joy of having friends. High school days at UST was a real downer for I was like a square peg trying to fit a round hole but it where I learned the joy of falling in love. It was work at Hooven Comalco Aluminum Industries after secondary school and I've had my first real adventures in the adult world. But the best years of my young life was during college at Technological Institute of the Philippines where I became some sort of a good, funny guy to my course mates. I was always surrounded by friends and almost everyone wanted to jam up with me.

          Work at Manila Water Supply Project III was great and its where I found the woman with whom I would spend the rest of my life with. What more could I ask for having a wonderful young life. Then the misunderstanding that got me into this reclusive life - it was actually a blessing in disguise. The kind of love and happiness I experienced during those 20 years of solitude could never expressed in words. I became the kind of husband my wife wanted, sort of a father to my kids that they enjoyed being with and I became the kind of person that I have always wanted to be. Sure of myself, not binded by anything, at peace with my spirits and having the gifted sight of the seeing the true wonders of life.
It really is a wonderful life ...

XVIII. EVERYBODY'S PERFECT !!!

          Most people think that God's work of creation is finished.  The seven days He created the universe and everything in it must have ended but every minute a new life comes forth. They are I would say all God's creation - and they are all perfect. Maybe you'll ask what about those who were born blind, or without limbs ? The lame, the blind, the mute, the disfigured - they may look abnormal to us but these things have to be as they were born to be for us to see God's work.

          Sometimes we make the mistake of thinking that our kids owe their life to us. True in a sense but they only came through us and not from us. Fathers may have impregnated their women and women conceived and gave birth to them but still God created them. We could only pray that they come out normal and healthy but only God decides on how the baby will look like. If blind for example, we could not make them see or if the baby was born without limbs we could not make them grow. The time, the place, the circumstances, maybe we could do something about them but everything have been pre-arranged and pre-destined, Our role as parents is only to make things work in the family and wait and see how far we'll go.

          In the movie " With Honors " ,  Joe Pesci recited in the library scene that all women - tall, short, fat, thin, dark or white - they are all perfect. The woman in our life is there to make us realize what life is really all about, they give us joy when they stay and give us pain when they leave. So its joy, pain, joy, pain, joy, pain ... life goes on as we try to figure things out. Love makes us see how wonderful they are and love makes us see how little there is to love inside of us. And sometimes we are able to make the pieces fit - two imperfect ones could become perfect for each other.

          We have the wrong notion of thinking that we have to be normal for us to be happy. But how often do we see normal guys ending up in the gutter while the blind or disabled ones succeed despite their disabilities. It took a deaf guy to compose the greatest symphony - enchanting people who hear the melody yet he himself could not hear it.
Ray Charles was blind since birth but it never stopped him from fulfilling his dream to become a singing sensation. Franklin Delano Roosevelt was paralized by polio but he stood tall to lead his nation survive the great depression and World War II.

          There are countless more success stories of people who overcame their disabilities and even more stories of people who were living a fairy tale kind of life only to end up as failures and losers.  Pre-arranged or pre-destined, we'll never know, but all those things were perfect. Perfect in the sense that they came to be to make our life more exciting, worth living and worth pondering about.  I remember a great English statesman who once said - " The glories, the achievements in arts and science all happened as our nation underwent period of wars and political struggles. It romantized our history while Switzerland , a country that enjoyed 700 years of peace could only come up with a cuckoo clock.

GALIT AKO SA PASKO ( BLAME BEMBOL ROCO )

      1970's and one of the biggest discovery of the decade was Bembol Roco who played the role of Julio Madriaga  in the movie   " Maynila :  Sa Kuko ng Liwanag ". So convincing was his acting that I shifted a bit to watching Filipino dramas from the usual FPJ starers and other action movies. I also came to appreciate other Lino Brocka movies as well as those directed by Danny Zialcita and Romy Suzara. Movies cost only php 2.25 those days so I got to watch at least 3 movies every week from my php 5.00 allowance. Bembol Roco was added to my list of starers that I should not miss especially after he made " Boy Pana ".

       But one of his roles that really got into me was about a disturbed young man who in his moment of anger and sadness destroyed the Christmas toys and decors displayed in the sidewalks. He was then arrested and brought to a police station where he poured out his sentiments on why he hated Christmas. He complained about how Christmas have turned into a charade where the rich pretend to have some compassion for the poor, giving them gifts and talking about charity and spreading goodwill on Christmas day. Yet once Yuletide  season is over, they go back to their real self - taking advantage and looking down on people who work for them. I am not sure what TV program that was, maybe " Sanyugto ", but I will never forget the way he explained himself to the police officer who apprehended him. He was then released for it was Christmas eve and the officer so touched by his frustrations that he gave Bembol a pack of cigarette and pancit to bring home to his family.

       A very simple TV show but it surely changed my view of Christmas. Surely Jesus never intended to have these kind of festivities when He was born in a manger the day we now called Christmas. God was sending us a different message but the traders have another thing in mind - business and profit. The solemn day was turned into festival of sort where hypocrites pretend to be what they are not, families try to mend fences but forget about loving each other once the yuletide season is over. Being happy on Christmas day have been a topic of many movies and almost all people pretend to wear happy faces.

       I happen to have 5 kids, born and separated by just a year of  age, and we were so damned poor during their pre-school days. I could not afford to cook something special on Christmas eve so we regarded Christmas as just another day and another night. No expectations, no disappointment - that's our motto. Each day is special and don't need any so called occasion to brighten our day. We played games everyday and I told them new stories each time that they set aside their gadgets each time I'm home.  Kids love  my presence more than any present I would bring home and as long as their mother was with them, there were no dry moments. They were used to not having parties on their birthdays as well and the extra special day for each and everyone of us is when I bring home some good food we could share on the table.

       Even to this day, we look back at those past 20 years not as years to be forgotten but years to reminiscent how we shared the little we had. We still are not better off but in one more year, all my kids except the youngest will have their own jobs, and the old, dry days will but be memories of despite the difficulties we were able to fill our home with laughter. Christmas for us could be any day, any time ...

XVII. GOD DOESN'T WANT ME TO BE UGLY

          I am a keloid former, one little scratch and it leaves a mark. One day I got a glass smashed into my face and the wounds needed over 50 stitches to close. I was not worried how I would look later since I was sure my wife would not mind. With scars running from the bridge of my nose up to my right eyelid plus a could more quarter inch scars in my right side I would surely look uglier than I was before. But for some heavenly reason the facial wounds healed good not leaving a noticeable mark - surely God works in mysterious ways. The wounds may have healed fast but it would have surely made the guy who inflicted the wound deeply laden with guilt had it scarred me for life. The incident was no accident but it was unintended and the guy who did it was someone very close to me.

      You see I have this strange fear of needles and I have always prayed that I be not sick so I could avoid the prick. I thought getting injected with anesthetics in my spine was the most painful encounter with the needle but luck played up a worse scenario to cure me of my fear. I was fully awake as I was being sewed up like Rambo and it lasted for almost an hour. I have to excuse myself three times from the surgeon so I could take a pee for gritting my teeth was not enough to handle the pain. God may have spared my looks but He sure gave me a lot of pains to earn it. I don't look any better today than I was before but I do have nothing but thanks each time I look at myself in the mirror.

       From the bad comes the good - the incident mended some relationships in the family.
Years later, I picked up the guy the guy from the airport upon arriving from Canada and I saw how relieved he was to see that I still have the old face he used know. The incident happened more than 20 years ago - we never made so much an issue out of it and only a few knew about what happened. We have moved on ...my brother and I.

XVI. REAL FAMILY FACES -- MAGIC MIRRORS PART 2

          About 2 months ago I talked about family faces as magic mirrors. No matter how hard you try to appease them, some of them would mirror unhappy faces. Their feelings, their concerns count, but at times after you have tried everything to please them and still you get the same kind of reaction the wisest thing to do is to keep your distance and wait for the tides to settle down. Once you have gotten married, your wife, your kids, they become your real family. The faces of your real family will become the real mirror of your life.

         When I got married nearly 30 years ago - I have only one thing in mind - I would do everything to make her happy. Having heard of a lot of stories how fabled romances failed and seen some people close to me having a hard time staying married, I never thought it would be that easy. Through thick and thin, through a lot of hardships, and we've had a greater part of it, I never failed to make her smile. That goes the same with my kids - we may have very little of what other families have - but we have a lot of corny jokes and laughter to pass around. And the secret is really that simple - no expectations, do not count other peoples' blessings and allow spaces between your togetherness.

         My wife needs very little to get by,  just love her and everything falls into their proper places. As for me , she's lovable and I love her so its that's simple - she'll love you twice as much. I hate a lot of things about her but like roses have thorns, you get to bleed a little when stung but it never takes away the beauty of the flower. I have my own faults and she sees them, a lot of times reminding you of the need to change those habits, you get irritated a bit but feel good about knowing that she still cares about how you seem to be to other people. She laugh each time she remember how unattractive I was when we came to be but it also reminded me that she took me for what I am even when a lot of guys were after her. But most of all she makes me feel like a king for at home I hold the TV's remote control and I could switch on any channel I wish to watch without any dissenting opinion. That's the definition of real power at home.

         The kids - some concerns from time to time - but no real problem whatsoever. They are the real mirror of one's marriage. They are the real colors of one's home. Our rented house is not much to be proud of for seldom are we visited by friends and relatives. No parties, Christmas decors, or fireworks on New Year - no need for occasions to celebrate - any day could be a special day when we get to share some good food on the table which doesn't come very often. The surest way to take good care of the kids is to take good care of their mother - and that proved to be true in our case. They have managed to get use to the hard life we've had so I say things would be a lot easier for them once they set out a life of their own. Their happy faces are the mirror of what I have managed to accomplice despite the failures and drawbacks in our 30 years of married life.

        My wife, my love is the real mirror of my life. She may be not as lovely and attractive as she was 30 years ago but she still have in her the magic that makes me feel that this life is not so bad after all. Real life for both of us starts when the kids leave to create the world of their own. And from then on, we'll see the part 3 of the mirror of our life - the kids visiting us with our grandchildren as we wait for our last days to come.

FPJ - Ang Daigdig Ko'y Ikaw

XVI. FAMILY FACES ARE MAGIC MIRRORS

          SUCCESS can be viewed in two ways - how others see us and how we see ourselves. Family faces - that of our parents, brothers and sisters, and relatives provides us with a magic mirrors, looking at this people who belong to us, we see the past, the present, and the future. Their gaze gives us a clue of how we are to them, someone to be proud of or someone who drags down the family's pride. From their eyes you'll see how you rate up to their standards. Sometimes things just don't happen the way we wanted things to become and no amount of explanation will suffice for they will only see the things they wanted to see.

       This is when you have to decide, whether to try it their way and receive the harsh words and cold shoulder treatment when you fail to live up to their expectations, or whether to live the way you wanted to live.  Sometimes you really have to learn things the hard way ... that of living the real life you wanted even if it means you have to cut some ties.  There is nothing wrong with pursuing their dreams but once you see that you are not really cut out for it you will never get the kind of satisfaction, the real feel of having a life, and the real joy of love and loving.

       I have done my part, tried to reach out, but the hope that things would one day clear out the misunderstanding have faded and it would be more convenient for all of us to move on and live our own separate lives. The upside of it is that I could have the chance to wipe clean the past and start on a clean slate for my kids. With better understanding and better education they could begin with themselves and avoid the mistakes we made and live a more harmonious life.