XXIII. SINNER OR SAINTS

          Frankly, its more fun to be a sinner.  My younger days were written in wine, whoring and smoke. High school days were quite boring since I was like square grove trying to fit into a round hole. Then I came to know my cousins and my world was never the same again. Pure blooded Cavitenos, most of them spoiled and street smart. Never got into drugs though, tried smoking weed several times but I was so unlike my cousins and friends - I felt stupid getting high on something that could lead to graver things. I wanted to belong so I gave it a try for I knew then that I could never get them to "get high " reading high adventures like "Papillon" and "Jonathan Livinstone Seagull".  Teen years was so exciting, we thought of nothing but having fun, and after graduating from college it was time to find new friends and different kind of fun.

          Found work easily, a good salary, and plenty of new friends to have fun with. It was a continuation of my sinning years but to a higher degree since we have more money to burn. Most of us were single so we spent our nights wining and whoring around. I gave gambling a try but I was not good at it, so after losing 3 weeks salary in a single night I promised myself that I would never again hold cards in my hands. There were about 20 of us, former cadet engineers who were waiting for new job assignment after the old Marcos projects were scrapped by the new administration. It was a four year wait next to doing nothing, but the management  was not willing to let us go since we were sort of highly trained for construction. We were looked upon as egoistic brats in the office, despised by old timers, receiving salaries higher than most of them but unproductive. It was not our fault though since the new government seemed to be more interested in villifying the old regime rather than serving the people's interest.

          To make a long story short, I got married at the age of 27, the first one among my batchmates. Most of my friends opted to work overseas, while I quit work and tried my hand in the bookselling business. It was a complete turn around from my old world, dropped the wining and the night fun activities and devoted my time to build a new world with my partner. From sinner to saint, a lot of people just won't believe, but after a year of marriage I learned that having fun is different from having happiness. I became detached and led a solitary way of life minding only my business and my immediate family. Some misunderstanding with my siblings led me farther away but when you're at the right place where you have long wanted to be, life takes its own roots.

          Maybe I got this all from my grandmother - she doesn't mind the other side - as long as she have what she need. She rarely steeped outside of their apartment for she knew that my grandfather will always be there to take of her needs. No worries, no jealousy, no problems, - she was a queen to my grandfather, yet grandpa never thought of himself as a king but a mere "hand of the queen." She knew that I love her and when she became bed ridden, she assured me that I need not bother about her since I was no doctor who can offer a cure, just a loving grandson she could call any time and would grieve when she is gone. My grandfather was completely devoted to her, so it never surprised me when he died a year later without any sign of sickness.

          I have been married now for almost 30 years, living the kind of life my grandparents did, but blessed with more kids to share our life with.  I cannot claim to be an ideal husband but just a simple happy one who's only claim for being the master of the house is the TV's remote control. I may not always prevail which TV program to watch but at least I hold the remote control and only I is empowered to switch on the channel.

Its a lot harder to stay on the right road than losing your way once in a while, but once you're used to it, its more fun than being in the sinner's path. 

          The rule is simple - if a relationship is to be kept a secret, then you should not be in it. Second, if what you would do needs an explanation, then don't do it. And third, if something goes wrong, no need to point fingers and ask why, just pick up where you left off and move on. And lastly, there are problems and there are real problems. When there's a solution, its not a problem. If things could not be remedied, then pray and just learn to live with it.